Tonight as I was surfing the web, I came across a blog about hypothyroidism that shook my world. In 2006, after trying to get pregnant for awhile, I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I were over the moon, beyond happy. I went to the doctor to confirm that the little pink strip was correct and got an ultrasound. I saw the little flutter of our babies heart beat. I went home and told my husband and our oldest son the great news. I was so happy. But I wasn’t getting morning sickness like I did with my oldest, so I figured I was having a girl. Then, at a little over 12 weeks, I began to spot. I immediately went to the doctor where they did another ultrasound. I watched the once strong and hearty heartbeat of my baby, flutter, stop, flutter…..and my heart shattered into a million pieces. The ultrasound technician, poor thing, saw my tears, and excused herself to go consult the doctor. The doctor came in and told me what I already knew. I was never going to get to hold my much wanted, very much loved, long longed for baby in my arms. I would never count her fingers and toes or look at her beautiful face and wonder if she looked more like me or my handsome husband. I would never hear her small voice wake me in the night to snuggle. And I had to go home and tell my excited little boy that he wouldn’t get to have a sister after all.
Fast forward a few months. I get pregnant again! Yay! And 10 months later (Cause really, 40 weeks IS 10 months), I gave birth to an amazingly sweet, bouncy, funny, challenging little boy who weighed 7lbs, 14 oz., had beautiful blue eyes and stole my heart for a third time. Praise God for answered prayers!
A few months after I had my youngest, I had a postpartum appointment. I felt like something was off, so I asked my doctor about it. She had my thyroid tested and it came back severely out of whack. Through much research and digging, I always felt that some how, my miscarriage was related to my thyroid. Before I had gotten pregnant with my Mabel, I had a whole 8 months that I didn’t have my ‘monthly’. Loosing weight was, and still is, difficult for me. I have had horrible headaches since I was a teenager and when I did have my ‘monthlies’ they were extremely painful. I was loosing hair in massive amounts and depression has plagued me for, well, a long time. All symptoms of and related to hypothyroidism.
And tonight, as I was surfing the web, I found another heartbroken mother who had lost a baby due to her thyroid. And though I felt relief at having a piece of the puzzle put into place, I also felt a new surge of grief for my losses in life. As I sat crying, lamenting the losses that have happened to our family, my son, my first born, sweet, amazing son, comes to comfort me and his words were wise beyond his years.
“Mom, it’s not your fault that you lost my sister. It’s the devil’s. He comes to steal, kill and destroy, right? And yes, he’s taken a lot from us in the past, but the Lord is going to give us so much more in the future.”
And I smiled through my tears. Much more is caught than taught and in the midst of our sorrow, God, in His great mercy, His abundant love, shines upon us and out of the mouths of babes, He lifts up our heads up to see that light. There really is joy in the midst of sorrow. And a God who loves us enough to make sure we see it.